Hugs

Well this is just silly. So I'm at Cafe Brazil last night and I'm being pretty quiet (which apparently is not normal for me since I think everyone at the table asked if I was OK at some point during dinner) and I can't really tell you if I was being quiet because I have been sick for a week and its taking its toll or if I just had nothing clever to say. But Laura asked if I was doing OK and of course I said I was fine and I had just had a long week (I mean this is Luara I'm not going to complain about my petty problems when she is dealing with way more) and next thing I know she's giving me a hug and I pretty much lost it. Had to excuse myself and go cry it out in the bathroom. Luckily I was wearing no makeup so I don't think anyone noticed that I had spent the past 3 minutes choking back sobs. I think I broke down for several reasons. One is that I have seriously been living in denial when it comes to what's going on with Pappaw and last night at mom's I got a letter from Mammaw saying she knew I was having a hard time with everything and she just wanted me to know that she is doing OK and Pappaw is coping well to the changes. I was just proof that I can fool myself all I want but I can't fool those around me into thinking I'm OK with the whole situation. I think I am just also super tired after getting up several times with Lilli the night before and the cold medicine I've been taking made me a bit woosy. I think one of the main reason I was crying though was that I've been so selfish when it comes to the crisis the Bords are facing. I've thought about how it effects me and Matt and our relationship and how I don't want to act weird or awkward around their family and how I wish everything would just go back to normal. The things I should be doing? Praying. Praying for Eric and how his life will never be the same. Praying for Laura because she now has to be both mom and dad to her two kids while working full time and holding the family together. Praying for Sydney who is so afraid that now that Daddy is gone, Mommy might leave too. Praying for Owen who can't put his feelings into words and doesn't even recognize why he feels like something is missing and doesn't understand how or why things are changing. Then of course praying for Terry, Debbie, Em, Patrick, Phillip and Amanda and their kids who need just as much support and love as Eric and Laura. After spending an evening with Eric and seeing him acting somewhat normal and seeing Laura as strong and devoted as ever, its just so easy to pretend like everything is fine and once Eric goes to court, the charges will be dropped and everything will be just as it was 3 months ago. But deep inside I know that's not going to happen. I know that things are going to get much worse before they start getting better and that just scares me to death. How can I have any hope at all for my little family when this one, so put together and so strong, can end up in shreds? Its a scary thought. Living and sharing your life with someone for almost 10 years only to have it all fall apart in minutes. What's going on in my family that I don't know about? What secrets are hiding right now just waiting for someone to discover them? This is one of those times where people say to put your hope and trust in God and his love for us but its the last thing we want to do.

New week. Same problems.

Well it seems like the harder I try to get away from 'High school' drama the more I get in to. Matt and I are arguing like crazy lately. I really can't figure it out. It seems like if we aren't kissing or flat out ignoring each other we are arguing about something. He's so sweet and I know its mostly me and my crazy mood swings right now but I just get so annoyed so easily. I find myself wanting to be anywhere but at home. I love my children so much but lately I'd rather they be sleeping. I hate it when I get into these stupid funks. I can't really figure out how to get out of them and I just have to wait until they 'run their course.' Last time it lasted about 2 weeks and I've been in this one for about a week so in about another week I should be home free right? I hate these stupid pity parties. Lately I don't even want to be around my friends. I feel like I have to be my normal cheerful witty self and I'm just not in the mood. It's so hard because I've always prided myself on not hiding my emotions and being very open with my feelings and now I envy all thsoe who can fake their happiness so well. Last night at church I can'teven count how many "are you okay?" 's I got. Ugh Its so annoying. OK I'm done.

if it's not one thing...

it's another... so starting last week (Sunday, September 10) I had some pain in my chest. I chalked it up to muscle strain and went on about my business... so by Thursday I had a total of around 10 hours of sleep (that's 4 days of 2-3 hours of sleep when I'm used to atleast 8 per night) and the pain was only getting worse. I took myself to Care Now and had some X-rays done and was examined by a Doctor only to find out.... I've got strained muscles! I mean they were severly inflammed and I had some fluid but really there wasn't much he could do other than perscribe some anti-inflamitories and some pain killers to help me sleep. So here we are, almost a week later and I'm still in a good deal of pain. but now the pain is more of an ache throughout my chest instead of a stabbing pain under my right breast. I have no idea what's going on but I don't like it. It doesn't help that I carry around 20 lb babies all day and occasionally pick up Lilli who's over 35 lbs. On top of all that and because of all that I haven't had sex in a good two weeks now and I'm ready to scream. So now that I've been given pain killers to numb me up for better sleep.... I have a cold, or allergies or something. Now instead of pain in my chest keeping me up, I'm sneezing and blowing my nose until the wee hours of the morning and keeping my hubby up as well (which he's not too happy about). Other than that its been a pretty busy week. On Monday Matt had Softball and I went to Garden Ridge with Mom and bought stuff to decorate the house (btw Cha I stole the cross Mom let you borrow). Tuesday was Laura's birthday so we did Cafe Brazl last night instead of tomorrow. Tonight we had dinner with the worship team. Tomorrow night we'll finally be able to grill the meat I took out of the freezer last Sunday and my husband and I will be able to spend a tiny bit of quality time together. Friday night I'll most likely be cooking for the brunch I'm going to Saturday morning followed by spending some quality time with the in-laws (we haven't seen them in a good 6 weeks). Then its back to Sunday. People always talk about life slowing down... it'll be more calm once I'm out of college; I'll have more time to spend with (insert signifigant other's name here) once we're married [the problem with spending 'quality time together' is you do that too often and children are the result.]... then you think life slows down once the kids are grown but then there's work and grandchildren to spoil or weddings to plan and bills to catch up on. life tends to be something you do to get to retirment. but then again isn't that what its supposed to be? Life is that thing you do before Heaven. Its just a great big holding pen. OK I'm babbling and not making any sense so I'm off to shower and then into bed I go. Goodnight!

New Day

Hello. Well this day started off horribly. I so believe in the idea that the Devil will try to knock you down when you should be on a spiritual high. Every Sunday morning it seems like it takes longer to do my hair, find the right dress, get the kids fed, etc. Then Matt and I almost always end up arguing about how late we are. By that time the last thing I want to do is stand up in front of a congregation and lead worship. Then after rehersing and getting into the spirit, having an awesome service and listening to Jerry I'm fully restored and ready to tackle the week ahead with God leading me all the way. Then of course on the way to lunch one little missundeerstanding turns into a huge fight and we end up right back in the foul mood we were in before chuch. Luckily God is there again and we can fellowship and have our spirits restored. OK enough of that! We got a kitten today! yay! Its super cute and I'm totally inlove with him. I cannot say that Roxy is too thrilled with sharing her space and her family. Hopefully she'll adjust soon! Well I'm off to bed!! Have a blessed week!