Hugs

Well this is just silly. So I'm at Cafe Brazil last night and I'm being pretty quiet (which apparently is not normal for me since I think everyone at the table asked if I was OK at some point during dinner) and I can't really tell you if I was being quiet because I have been sick for a week and its taking its toll or if I just had nothing clever to say. But Laura asked if I was doing OK and of course I said I was fine and I had just had a long week (I mean this is Luara I'm not going to complain about my petty problems when she is dealing with way more) and next thing I know she's giving me a hug and I pretty much lost it. Had to excuse myself and go cry it out in the bathroom. Luckily I was wearing no makeup so I don't think anyone noticed that I had spent the past 3 minutes choking back sobs. I think I broke down for several reasons. One is that I have seriously been living in denial when it comes to what's going on with Pappaw and last night at mom's I got a letter from Mammaw saying she knew I was having a hard time with everything and she just wanted me to know that she is doing OK and Pappaw is coping well to the changes. I was just proof that I can fool myself all I want but I can't fool those around me into thinking I'm OK with the whole situation. I think I am just also super tired after getting up several times with Lilli the night before and the cold medicine I've been taking made me a bit woosy. I think one of the main reason I was crying though was that I've been so selfish when it comes to the crisis the Bords are facing. I've thought about how it effects me and Matt and our relationship and how I don't want to act weird or awkward around their family and how I wish everything would just go back to normal. The things I should be doing? Praying. Praying for Eric and how his life will never be the same. Praying for Laura because she now has to be both mom and dad to her two kids while working full time and holding the family together. Praying for Sydney who is so afraid that now that Daddy is gone, Mommy might leave too. Praying for Owen who can't put his feelings into words and doesn't even recognize why he feels like something is missing and doesn't understand how or why things are changing. Then of course praying for Terry, Debbie, Em, Patrick, Phillip and Amanda and their kids who need just as much support and love as Eric and Laura. After spending an evening with Eric and seeing him acting somewhat normal and seeing Laura as strong and devoted as ever, its just so easy to pretend like everything is fine and once Eric goes to court, the charges will be dropped and everything will be just as it was 3 months ago. But deep inside I know that's not going to happen. I know that things are going to get much worse before they start getting better and that just scares me to death. How can I have any hope at all for my little family when this one, so put together and so strong, can end up in shreds? Its a scary thought. Living and sharing your life with someone for almost 10 years only to have it all fall apart in minutes. What's going on in my family that I don't know about? What secrets are hiding right now just waiting for someone to discover them? This is one of those times where people say to put your hope and trust in God and his love for us but its the last thing we want to do.